Joking--- of Course

Some home truths

February 2, 2005:
1. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

2. Sex is like air. Is not important until you not getting any.

3. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. If you lend someone $2 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

6. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

7. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

8. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Married bliss

January 21, 2005: A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

" Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

" I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

The truth of the matter

January 21, 2005:
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season.

One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.

He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Bin Laden writes to Bush

January 21, 2005:
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.

Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA And the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.

Talking Dog

December 23, 2004: A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift for talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Because no one figured a dog would be eaves-dropping…..I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals…..had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

Eddy McTigue

Memory Problems

December 10th, 2004: An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

They arrived at the doctor's surgery and explained the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then wandered into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Eddy McTigue

Blond Joke

December 3, 2004:A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The female flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in that section.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that cause she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".

Eddy McTigue

The Fishing Trip

November 27, 2004: A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Blue Mackerel, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

From................ Eddy McTigue

Job Hunting

November 24, 2004: A bloke goes into the CES office in Perth for a look through the job vacancies. Which doesn't take him very long, of course. Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something. "Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E /784 /B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk. "It's a model agency right here is Perth. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing. And you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The CES clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail ticket to Kalgoorlie".

"Kalgoorlie?" exclaims the bloke. "Kalgoorlie? What do I wanna go to Kalgoorlie for?"

"Well", says the CES clerk, "that's where the end of the queue for this job is at the moment."

Men jokes about Women

October 20, 2004: How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Newlyweds

October 20, 2004: Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his trousers and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his pants his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox

Golfers

August 29, 2004: Two golfers, Reg and Allan were having a chat after a game and Allan said to Reg, ‘how come you don’t play with Bill Smith any more? you always played with Bill, you played with him for ten years or more!!
‘Would you play with a player who cheats on his card?’ Asked Reg ‘no I wouldn’t’ replied Allan
‘Would you play with a player, who stole money out of your pockets while you were having a shower after the game’? asked Reg.
‘no I wouldn’t’ replied Allan '
Would you play with a player who made love to your wife while you were out of town’? asked Reg
‘never’ replied Allan
Reg replied 'Yeah, well unfortunately for me, nor would Bill Smith!!!!'

Farmer joke

August 26, 2004: A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.” The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

Mahatma Gandhi---------- David Twohig

August 3, 2004: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

It is logical to suggest this made him

\" A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.\"

N.B. Apologies to the lovers of \"Mary Poppins\"

A good reason not to flirt

July 24, 2004: A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some asprin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally since he was her husband. After a few more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off to one of the cars and made passionate love on the backseat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there”. Then she asked, “did you dance much?” He replied,“ I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening”.
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which her husband replied “Actually, I gave my costume to my dad, apparently he had the time of his life”.

Queen Joke

May 2, 2004: An African politician was greeted by the Queen when he arrived in London for a state visit. As it was a formal occasion, the Queen and the African dignitary rode to Buckingham Palace in an open carriage pulled by four snow- white horses. Accompanied by the Sovereign's Escort of the Household Cavalry.

the entourage was clattering along Pall Mall when one of the horses let fly with a tremendous fart. As the smell wafted through the open carriage , the Queen smiled apologetically at her guest. "Sorry about that," she said. "Oh that's quite all right, ma'am," the African gent replied."If you hadn't said anything I would've thought it was one of the horses."

Blond Joke

May 7, 2004: A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Farmer Daughter

May 11, 2004: There was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: My name is Freddie. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti. I hope she's ready? The farmer thought that was cute so he let them out. Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance? Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go.

Soon another knock at the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go? Once again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: My name is Chuck. The farmer shot him.